Never do I think or contemplate the contents of the spam that Thunderbird so beautifully protects my eyes and mind from through its Bayesian filtering. My Thunderbird is set up to automatically throw such digital scraps of utter nonsense crap into a pitchblack pit of digital neverexistence immediately and irreversibly for the rest of infinity. Today however, the message below was delivered to my inbox, as sometimes happens: it just managed to slip through the cracks. I immediately recognized it as spam: a picture in an e-mail, its contents very clearly spamlike. It didn’t anger me or move me at all, it was just … well, spam.

Perform

But then I stopped and suddenly had to think about the fact that somebody has taken the time to put this message together. Someone, somewhere in the world, had an intention with this. He (or she, it could be a she, it’s possible…) might have thought the following:

“Hey, there are so many penises in the world, I mean, one in two people has one! If only 1% of men think that their penis is too small (most likely many more do!) … wait, let me calculate this: there are six billion (6.000.000.000) people in the world, that’s … 3.000.000.000 men! If one in a hundred thinks their penis is too small, that’s, that’s … a market of 300.000.000 potential customers! If I would spam all men, and would have a 1% success rate amongst them and I’d sell them pots of cheap herbal tea (in olive oil, and with a bit of ethanol, to make it smell a bit clinical) for $20,- minus $5,- postage and packaging and minus $5,- materials, administration and all other costs, this would be $10,-, that would be … 1% of 300.000.000 short-dicked men … is 3.000.000 short-dicked men, times $10,- profit…

Wow … wow. Hold on. Is this correct? Am I not miscalculating? This could seriously, definitely, without a doubt, make me a very serious multi-millionaire! If I spam the 3.000.000.000 men of the world, of which 1% are short-dicked of whom only 1% go for my offer, I would make THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS! And that’s only a very pessimistic estimate! Oh wait, I must e-mail ALL 6.000.000.000 people, because I cannot filter out women. I better start finding out how to create or rent zombie computers really fast. I am a (wo)man with a grand mission now: to get very rich quickly, from many very small penises, hooray!”

Something strange happened: I dragged the picture from my e-mail to my desktop and then uploaded it to my blog. When I put it into this post, the hyperlink it was supposed to point to re-appeared automagically! The cold hard fact is, that people that fill their time on earth with spamming and coming up with little picture programming tweaks like these, probably make some actual money with it. Because in reality (and spammers know this), spam has a slightly-more-than-0% success rate! Spam a billion, make a million!

Dear Mr(s). Spammer, your motivations I can understand (however not relate to or agree with!), but how the hell did you come up with brand name ‘MegaDik’? I don’t even want to begin thinking about alternatives, but why oh why ‘MegaDik’?, and what’s up with that design? Dear spammer, could you not at least try a little bit more to sound sincere? Could you not put in just a tiny little bit more effort into your marketing expressions? Not that it matters to me, but you would not be labeled by a generally friendly and courteous person like myself, as THE DUMBEST, MOST LOWLIFE PEOPLE ONLINE! If you’d try just a little bit harder to put in just the tiniest hint of quality or original thought even remotely, perhaps I’d just label you as really dumb and lowlife people online. That would mean at least some progress in your life!

Your Systemical Ignorer Truly, Douwe.

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